How Harry Potter Would Actually Work

Tonight, I'll be rethinking the Harry Potter series following all the rules J.K. Rowling has set for her world, save one; my protagonists will not be monumental morons. Since there are so many things that can go wrong in each, I'll be offering three alternatives for each

• Harry Potter and the Adults That Might As Well Not Be There (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone):
  
  1. 
     Voldemort decides to kill people with a knife, or a snake, or by stupefying them and dropping them out of a window, because he's heard the word prophecy before and he's not functionally retarded.
     
  2. 
     Harry, Hermione and Ron tell Professor McGonagall that they think Snape is trying to steal the Sorcerer's Stone. On the off chance they're right, she elects to confront Snape. He tells her his suspicions about Quirrel. They kick ass, and probably have sex.
     
  3. 
     Quirrel brings a knife, stabs Harry After he realize Harry has the Stone. (I shouldn't need to mention the simplicity of stabbing twice)
     
• Harry Potter and the Time When No One Could Add Two and Two (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets):
  
  1. 
     Harry and Ron celebrate the fact that they don't have to go to school for a little longer, hang out an extra day while they wait for the Hogwarts Express, do not steal flying car.
     
  2. 
     Someone notices Harry is a Parseltongue, and seems to be controlling the attacks, uses deductive reasoning to figure out that it's a Basilisk. In ten minutes everyone in the castle has mirrored sunglasses. Someone notices Ginny Weasley is nowhere to be found when spooky events occur. Takes her for psychological counseling. While under observation, everyone notices she's possessed.
     
  3. 
     Gilderoy Lockhart doesn't tell Harry and Ron he's about to obliviate them, instead agrees to go with them immediately, allows them first out of his office, and hits them with it from behind.
     
• Harry Potter and the Fact That Time Travel Is Too Useful A Plot Device So We'll Just Forget It, Shall We (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban):
  
  1. 
     Sirius Black gets a lawyer and explains the situation. The lawyer cleverly persuades the Wizard Court to question Dumbledore. Everyone is happy, and the manhunt for Pettigrew continues.
     
  2. 
     Lupin shows the map as evidence that Peter Pettigrew is alive. Sirius Black is absolved and the manhunt ensues.
     
  3. 
     Harry finds out about Time Turners, goes back to the past, explains to his mother and father what's happening, and they make Sirius their Secret Keeper instead. Harry then realizes things could be even easier, and time turners to when Voldemort was a kid and murders the shit out of him, and leaves himself a note saying that he must do this, avoiding the whole "if you went back and changed things, you wouldn't go back in the real present and change things" paradox.
     
  4. 
     Everyone uses Time Turners for everything. Seriously, fucking EVERYTHING.
     
• Harry Potter and the Sticking To Rules Too Much (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
  
  1. 
     They don't make Harry participate just because of a glitch with the Goblet; he could die dammit!
     
  2. 
     The single human guard at the gate of Azkaban recognizes that Barty Crouch Jr. isn't the old woman that walked in, stops everything to check.
     
  3. 
     Everyone is questioned under Veritiserum about everything. Seriously, no more mystery! It's done!
     
• Harry Potter and the All Wizards Have Year Long Memories (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)
  
  1. 
     Harry is questioned under Veritiserum about what happened with his breach of magical secrecy. (Seriously, especially in courts they should be required to do shots of this stuff before friggin' everything)
     
  2. 
     Someone recognizes that Harry and Dumbledore have been right about basically everything for the past fifteen years, calls Fudge an idiot.
     
  3. 
     Harry uses the mirror Sirius gives him to talk to his godfather, solving both of their loneliness problems, neatly resolving the plot without death or violence, and probably leading to some kind of semi-incestual wizard Skype-sex.
     
• Harry Potter and the Needlessly Awkward Attraction (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)
  
  1. 
     Veritiserum + Malfoy = one plot point resolved
     
  2. 
     Snape and Dumbledore sit down and tell Harry their plan. Harry pouts for a few days, sees sense, and helps.
     
  3. 
     Malfoy uses trickery, hires Muggle to kill Dumbledore from 1000 yards with a high powered rifle, kills Muggle.
     
• Harry Potter and the Fact That Only England Exists (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)
  
  1. 
     Dumbledore requests the aid of the American Secretary of Magic, French Ministress of Magic, and every-fucking-one else. They and their armies go door to door in an afternoon, finding Horcruxes, Voldemort and illegal weapons.
     
  2. 
     Snape performs Petrificus Totalis on Voldemort (remember, Voldemort can't read his mind and Snape can do non-verbal spells) and gives him a lobotomy, so he's still alive (soul still trapped) but unable to do anything.
     
  3. 
     Voldemort drops on of his Horcruxes into the ocean, and releases the snake into the jungles of Cambodia.
     
And seriously, time turners. Just use them.